Posted in Personal

Being Aware… of every emotion

“if you stay rooted in your inward awareness and enduring core sensibility, you will be tapped as a vessel for what is to be, and that is all you need to know.”

John Smith – Far Too Good

I needed to hear this song today, as I’m feeling a bit vulnerable, isolated and alone. It’s not because I have a lack of people in my life.  I’m just a bit overwhelmed with my upcoming surgery on Tuesday, but mostly I really think I’m suffering from a depression from the accident.  Each time I see a car coming from the opposite direction, I cringe and when I’m a passenger in a car, I’m on edge and aware of my heightened anxiety whenever the simplest touch of the break happens.  Mostly, I’m suffering from such incredible guilt over the loss of my Krypto.  God, I miss that little boy so much and it tears me up each second of the day.  If I had only held onto him tighter; if I had him restrained in a seatbelt;

if I…. if I…..

If I loved him more, maybe that would have saved him…

I loved that boy more than words come close to expressing, and yet it was not enough – I did not have the power to save him and I just wanted to. I would have done anything to save him…  I am trying to stay aware of every emotion I’m feeling right now and work through it.  “work through it instead of around it”. wise words from my friend Jaymie.  The last few days have been extra hard to “work through it”, but I’m trying.  I desperately want to step outside of these feelings and just not feel them and I know I have to feel them, to grieve them and him and everything that’s happened that’s been out of my control since.  When you try really hard to keep it together, it’s tiring and my brain hurts and my eyes are tired of crying. I’ve needed the past few days to just sleep and be alone and hobble around my apartment with my stupid foot in a boot and also just love on my little Tinker, because there is not a moment I’m not grateful to still have her in my life.  She has been my salvation during this time and I don’t know what I’d do without her…

So as I continue to cry, I will also cry happy tears because seeing her prance around this apartment, throwing around and playing with her stuffed animals, snuggling with me and peeking out the living room window when I come home and smiling – these things bring me the greatest joy right now and I need her probably more than she needs me.




Lover of architectural history, family, building design, coffee and dogs.

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